Ep 3: Being Stuck in a Stuffy Old Closet (Essay)

From Ep 3: The Long-Awaited (?) Episode to Close 2020

Podcast URL: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0tp4x26CkOb69uwqHGXXbr?si=N0u-Q3uPTdGvY0ax7b2CtA

Hello there! And thank you for visitng my blog. :)
Here, I will be posting my works that I share with you in the podcast.

In this episode, I shared my essay discussing how I deal with the feeling of "meh". 

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Being Stuck in a Stuffy Old Closet

Have you ever experienced days, or even weeks, where it feels impossible to be happy? Your mind feels cluttered with anonymous negativity like being stuck in a stuffy old closet, and worst of all, you just can't seem to bring yourself out of it.

 

I've had my fair share of being stuck in this old closet. I've had days go by one after the other, going by too sluggishly for any bursts of happiness but too quickly to realize, enough of this. And the interesting thing is, while I try to attribute these negative emotions to external factors, I am constantly aware of how this negativity stems from myself, and myself alone. It's not about whether I have to wake up early for work in the morning, or about the reply that I never seem to get from my boyfriend (wink wink). No, it's because I focus all of my energy on this dull feeling of negativity, denying myself of my ability to become happy.

 

I guess this is where people introduce the concept of 'mindset'. Shifting your mindset to become more positive, to slow down, to let the negative thoughts dissolve, and whatnot. The only problem is, it seems as if of all people, I myself feel the most reluctant to let go of this fluff of negativity. While this negativity burdens my heart every moment, I feel attached to feeling like meh, acting passive-aggressively towards others and showing the world that "I am upset". While I do agree that 'shifting your mindset' is what you need to do to get out of this closet, it's simply not that easy.

 

And yet, it is that easy. That's a contradictory statement right there. But I realize that all of this negativity that I carry around always disappears at some point, whether it be the next day or the next week. A good night's sleep may be all it takes to escape from this stuffiness. And what that shows is that this negativity which feels daunting and inescapable is simply our mind playing tricks. We are fighting with something non-existent. Whether we are happy, unhappy, fulfilled or lonely is determined by the individual, and nothing else. When you feel negative, especially when you feel negative for no particular reason, you have all the power you need to move to a happier state. And this power comes from knowing that only you alone can label your emotions as happy or unhappy.

 

This realization hits me hard every time because emotions seem to come and go like infinite waves of the sea. But like sailors who read the wind and the tide of the ocean, we too can sail our own way in peace, if we realize that our hands alone hold the steering wheel.

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 I also have two ideas for my next podcast episode, so please comment your preference below!

1) Fear for (of?) romance - my past experience of dealing with the feeling of repulsion in reciprocated romance, in Japanese a condition known as 蛙化現象.

 

2) Existential crisis - some of the struggles I faced (and still face) with finding my passion and future dreams, my struggles with making comparisons, and just discussions of my many struggles... and my learning outcomes!

I'll see you in my next blog post. Happy New Year! 🎉